Ass First

If I'd been born in a church,
Id've been a believer.
(Believer.)
If I'd been born in an office,
I'dve been a deceiver.
(Deceiver.)
And if my momma'd felt her belly distend
in the middle of a football field,
then by the sound of cheers
and whistles and flags,
I'd be condemned to be a tight-end.
(or a wide receiver?)

But
I came into this world ass first
I came into this world ass first
I came into this world ass first
and I intend to leave it
the same way.

What's in Your Mailbox?

Is it a copy of the latest Stomock album, No Shit? Could be. I'm mailing them out to longtime loyal fans as they roll off the assembly line.

Title Warehouse #8 (Holiday Edition)

• Write a Check to Santa


• Reindeer, Tasty Reindeer


• Thanks for the Trash


• We Don't Have to Talk to Each Other (but I still gotta get you a gift)


• Do You Smell What I Smell?


• Also With Birthdays Today

My Baby Hates Christmas

No, she's not a Muslim
or a Hindu or a Jew.
She's a regular middle-American Christian,
like me and you and...
(I guess not you).
She goes to church
and she says her prayers.
She's a fan of Jesus Christ.
But every year I fear she'll lose it
and a Santa will get sliced.

'cause my baby
hates Christmas.
She hates it like it kicked her dog.
She hates it like it stole her lollypop.
She hates it like it killed her Ma.
She hates it like it took the last piece of bacon
that she needed for her BLT.
Yeah, my baby
hates Christmas
like Christmas
was me.

Yeah, my baby
hates Christmas.
She hates it like it screwed her man.
She hates it like it gave her VD.
She hates it like it burned her ham.
She hates it like showed up late to the party
in the very same dress as she.
Yeah, my baby
hates Christmas
like Christmas
was me.

What Was In My Stockings

My favorite part of Christmas
was what was in my stockings.
There's was always something tasty,
something shiny,
something new.
But after this year's Christmas
I'll no longer love my stockings.
'cause what was in my stockings
was you.

You've always been
a manly man,
looking at the ladies.
You reassured me you
would look not touch.

It didn't really bother me
that you were a skirt-watcher.
But now I know you like the skirts
just a bit too much.

My favorite part of Christmas
was what was in my stockings.
There's was always something tasty,
something shiny,
something new.
But after this year's Christmas
I'll no longer love my stockings.
'cause what was in my stockings
was you.

Kinky panties. Sexy bras.
I saw you hid my presents.
I should've known better.
Such a large sweater.
The pumps were size-elevens.

My favorite part of Christmas
was what was in my stockings.
There's was always something tasty,
something shiny,
something new.
But after this year's Christmas
I'll no longer love my stockings.
'cause what was in my stockings
was you.